Pain in the arse

Got something in the mail yesterday from the ex in laws lawyer. Somehow I went from Plantiff to Defendant- as I initially asked the court to terminate their guardianship...now the judge wants me to prove I can take the kids. And their paperwork wants me to give accounts for my bank accounts, medical care, blah blah....ridiculous. I cannot believe these people are fighting me so hard on this. They think they are the best or some junk. Pride comes before a fall and I certainly hope they fall hard. I am my kids father...not them!

Are you there?

Ok, so I am/was a Christian. I say am/was because I'm extremely upset at God right now. I know, I know...I shouldn't be this way...but it's hard for me not too. I owe thousands of dollars, my bank account is frozen, my van was pulled over for expired plates and I was given a citation, tried to get an IM and it failed, the court seems to want to give my kids to their grandparents, my gf left without saying a word-saying her leaving was to "help me"...I could go on and on. So where is God in all of this? Sitting back and watching the show, perhaps eating pop corn? I dunno. I mean, I love Him and He has got me through some wicked stuff...but it's almost like..He's not there now, I don't know how to put it. Yeah, I'm bitching, so what? Pity party..sure. But how else do I get this frustration off my chest without killing someone lol :) I say my prayers every night, thanking Him for everything...but lately, especially this past month, my life has been shit...I do not feel sympathy for anyone anymore...I feel numb. I would not be here if not for my kids. They are the ONLY reason I'm living right now (well that and I don't wanna condemn myself to Hell if I kill myself). I want off this world so bad...it almost hurts. I'm fed up with all this crap. I mean, one thing here or there no biggie. But things have been consistently nasty lately and I really see no way out of some of the crap I'm in. That and all this stuff will only kill my chances in court to get my kids back. Why do bad things happen to good people....

Spare Change

Ever felt like the spare change you find leftover in the dryer from your pants pocket you forgot to clean out? Yeah, me too. It's funny though. That change is cleaned and dried yet, if your like the change I find, doesn't amount to much. I've felt like that recently....however, I must add one thing. The other day when I was frustrated because I literally had no money, my little one came up and handed me all she had...a few pennies, some dimes and a quarter. Then I realized something. It's not "how much" you have...it's how loved you are. To me, in that instant, I was the wealthiest person in the whole world.

Yup, I was on Supernanny

Ok, so I've never officially blogged before but here goes. I'm Brian....not to be confused with "Ryan" as people always think they hear when they ask my name. I was famous for about a week, really strong...now kinda here and there. What was I famous for? Well, in a word...Supernanny. I was the first single father ever featured on the show, back a couple of years ago. Yes, it helped...no, it wasn't the funnest thing I've ever done, but it was a good experience.

My life now...isn't exactly going as planned. I'm in a battle to get my kids back from their grandparents (not my parents - they are wonderful) but my ex's parents. I go back to court in March to prove I can handle my own kids. Not that I didn't for a number of years, but whatever. I've had a number of terrible things happen lately that are really getting me down. I'm trying not to be so negative, but it's pretty damn hard. I've got wonderful kids, a great job, loving parents...I'll just leave it at that I spose. What makes someone a "great" person anyways? Is it morally subjectible? Or can you be great without doing some kind of miracle? I believe the greatest people out there are single parents. Not soldiers, not police officers, not presidents, not actors....single parents. They should have their own day...a recognized day that the whole US if not the whole world could honor them...for to me, there is no greater sacrifice than the single parent working one or more jobs while placing their kids in daycare or before/after school care so they can earn a living...then come home late in the eveing, fix dinner, give baths, help with homework and start it all over again, rarely getting any kind of break. Some would shirk those who are single parents...saying it's not natural or healthy for the child. I say....crap happens. I didn't set out to be a single parent...it was thrust upon me. For those out there who chose this life, I commend you...as I wouldn't have chosen it if given a choice. I would do anything for my kids....anything. Maybe that's not healthy...maybe it's a God-send to them. But that's how I am. There have been many times I wanted to beat people to a pulp for interfering in my children's lives, either willfully or by accident. I can't stand certain people who have held them and myself captive for a number of years because of their own selfishness and immaturity. Kind of a "well, if I can't have it, neither can you" mentality. They don't even consider my kids thoughts....and laugh at mine. You know whom I'm talking about if you know me. If not...take a wild guess.

Recently had a girlfriend for a couple of months. She came to me, brokenhearted, and I helped her. What did I get in return? I got to come home to a partially empty house...having all her stuff removed and not even a note or phone call to say good-bye. I'm convinced now that she used me to feel better about herself somehow, I dunno. All I know is I fell into the same exact trap I did with my first marriage. This one wanted me to marry her (and a few other things) and apparently didn't want no for an answer. Fine by me...I'm glad I didn't give under the pressure.

That's if for now...I spose. I'm sure I'll write more as the mood strikes me. Later.

Brian